Fruitarianism

Here’s a sneak peek at the imminent winner of a 2014 Pulitzer Prize, The Chic Diet: No. 2



"I heard that some people just eat 30 bananas a day. You can lose, like, 20 lb. of fat in 2 weeks."

This dumb bitch, the chic girl will think to herself as she quickly makes some calculations. Twenty fucking pounds? That’s, like, 70,000 calories, she tabulates with a giant snarl on her face.

"Um, no," she will say, shooting the Chiquita Banana Girl a dismissive smile. "That’s, like, calorically impossible. Even if I were restricting water fasting starving being really good, I would only lose 10 lb. max. Besides, a banana has, like, 30 grams of carbs. Ew.”

While fruitmongers might adamantly disagree, everyone knows that when you eat too much fruit, you might as well be forfeiting your thigh gap to that “urban agriculturist” hawking organic Braeburn apples at the farmer’s market. 

"But fruit is so good for you!" the chubby, misinformed bumpkin will proclaim. "It’s bursting with flavor, vitamins and minerals!" Um, sure. But you know what else is bursting with nutrients? My zero-calorie, zero-carb, zero-guilt multivitamin, bitch.

"Fruit will give you natural energy to make it through your day!" she will shout out ecstatically. Er, energy is overrated, didn’t you know? Like, I’d much rather be sulking around like a really skinny zombie if it meant that I’d look great in my skinny jeans. Who really wants a front row seat to an 80/10/10-enthusiast’s hardcore workout if the only thing glaring back at them is her mango-infused muffin top spilling over the edge of her one-size-too-small Lululemon running tights? I’ll tell you who: NOBODY.

Proponents of this fruit-based, low-fat, raw vegan lifestyle will chirp out moronic mantras about how soft their skin has become or how alive they feel once they swapped out their pork confit for pineapples. Um, my skin is also pretty soft after a Beta Peel at my dermatologist’s office, and I’m pretty sure that I’m still alive despite the fact that I haven’t consumed anything for the past 22 hours. Like, I don’t think those basic human rights are contingent on one’s consumption of locally-sourced nectarines.

The fanatical fruit enthusiast will shriek about how fructose doesn’t affect blood glucose or insulin levels, but I’d bet that her pancreas would beg to differ. “I have, like, no more cravings for sweets!” she will swoon, hugging her cold-pressed orange juice tightly to her chest. Um, no shit you don’t. Like, how could you possibly still yearn for a piece of chocolate when you’re basically on an I.V. drip full of sugar water?

The only way that the 80/10/10 method would be conducive to weight loss is if the title was in reference to a lifestyle that incorporated a steady diet of 80% black coffee, 10% Nicorette gum and 10% microwaved broccoli. Actually, that sounds like a fab plan; I totally need to cut down on cigarettes anyway. You know what, you guys? I think I’ll start on it tomorrow!

So as for those adorable little dates garnishing your cheese plate? Hi, diabetes. All of those fucking watermelon salads in the Hamptons? Um, no. And, like, grapes? Only if they come macerated, strained and corked in a glass bottle, duh.

Please tell me you put the "satirical" claim on there for the "legal" issues or something... Because I hope this is real. Because otherwise, that's not chic.

Asked by Anonymous

Beb, your usage of air quotes is super chic!

  • Posted 3 weeks ago
  • March 22nd, 2014

1 Likes & Reblogs

P.S. Chic girls…

A Pantone Green light has been shone for the next volume in The Chic Diet series. Not only that, a fictional Chic Diaries series based on the chicest girl we all love to hate has been given a “GO”. 

I’m, like, trying my best to hurry up and finish them, but I’m just really preoccupied with slightly more important things like shopping and not eating. So if you’d like to hear about them as they’re released, sign up to the mailing list and you’ll be one of the first to know:

SIGN UP HERE!

We promise we won’t spam you, especially since we have better ways to spend our precious time. So, um, yea. Stay tuned and stay skinny, my chiclings.

XX, 

Kit

  • Posted 3 months ago
  • January 10th, 2014

3 Likes & Reblogs

Tomorrow

As any chic girl can attest to, we are all about starting <insert whatever the hell it is we’re planning to do> bright and early the following morning. Tomorrow is when it’s all going to change. Tomorrow is when I’m really going to buckle down. Tomorrow is when I’ll finally start being responsible.

Oh, why not today? Um, it’s just really inconvenient.

But since I’m going to start my zero-carb diet tomorrow morning, I better eat all of the cereal in my kitchen, like, right now. It’s better to not have any carbs lying around for me to gorge on should I become inflicted with a nasty case of cravings. And since I’m totally going to wake up at 4:30 AM to go for a 6-mile run anyway, I should be allowed to treat myself to one last bag of pretzel thins, right? I mean, it’s like my last hurrah.

Besides, I totally went over my calorie limit for today. I can’t believe I let myself eat those two apples; I was so bad. Like, there’s really no point in starting now, right? And my daily diary on MyFitnessPal is just really depressing. I can’t even bear to look at it lest I choose to allow myself to wallow in regret and self-pity. I’d have, like, a conniption if I added even one more entry to it. And maintaining sound mental health is really important, you know?

But tomorrow is totally a clean slate onto which I can log minimal entries of single-digit caloric servings. Maybe I’ll even water fast! I’m feeling, like, super ambitious all of a sudden. And it’s always a good thing to start off a thirty day dietary journey on the right foot, you know? Ohmigod, maybe I’ll even extend it to thirty-one days. It is January, after all.

…Oh, look at the time. It’s a lot earlier than I thought. I mean, tomorrow is still, like, a long time from now. And since I’ve been eating so terribly today anyway, I might as well just succumb to all of my cravings tonight so that I can get them out of the way. I think I read somewhere that it’s really unhealthy to start a super strict diet without allowing yourself a little treat beforehand. I think it was in Vogue. Yea, it was definitely in Vogue. And, like, Vogue never lies, you know?

So let’s, like, go out for tapas and sangria tonight. I’m totally getting the paella. Maybe we can even grab some gelato afterward. Like, what’s one bad night when it’s floating in a sea of thirty-one good ones? Um, an anomaly, that’s what. I mean, it basically doesn’t count!

And since I’m so good, maybe I’ll even pull an all-nighter and head to the gym at 3 AM to burn off all of the calories I just ate. After that, I’ll probably sleep for, like, 17 hours anyway since I’ll be uber exhausted from the rigorous workout that I put myself through. It’ll basically be like enduring a 24-hour water fast, but without all of the water. 

Ohmigod, tomorrow is going to be just perf.



If you want the read about more insane dieting tactics, check out The Chic Diet, out now on Amazon!

Pumpkin Spice anything

Ooh, it’s getting kind of chilly. Why’s it so dark outside all of a sudden? And, like, why the hell is asparagus so expensive right now? Ew, a leaf just fell onto my head! 

Ohmigod, you guys, it must totally be Fall. 

The arrival of the autumnal equinox brings about a lot of obvi changes: all of the plants shrivel up and die, the sales staff at Barneys starts getting really pushy with their new shipment of Vince sweaters and I suddenly have this overwhelming urge to buy, like, 17 pairs of boots. But as Daylight Savings Time comes to an end, chic girls aren’t interested in heading East to pick apples, take in the fall foliage or engage in other nostalgic shit like that. No, these giddy little girls are aware of one thing and one thing only: it’s Pumpkin season, bitches.

Though abhorrent items such as M&Ms, muffins and milkshakes might get the orange-tinted treatment, chic girls would never indulge in such carb-tastic evils. I mean, do you know how much butter goes into one batch of iced pumpkin scones? Like 13 entire bars. So while that saturated fat-seeping mound of gluten might look super festive, please just back away and slap yourself across the face for even considering bringing it near your mouth. I mean, we’re not going into hibernation here.

While chic bone warriors wouldn’t normally allow anything other than black coffee to enter the pits of their stomachs, they’ll totes make an exception for Pumpkin Spice lattes. Um, they’re basically, like, Limited Edition collections. You have to catch them while you can! And what’s better than a soothing cup of artificially flavored pumpkin heaven when you feel as if your toes might break off or your kidneys might just shake right on out of your body?

"I guess I’ll just have to calorically splurge on a Grande soy extra-shot half-syrup no-whip Pumpkin Spice Latte," the chic girl will decide after quite the harrowing internal debate and MyFitnessPal consult. "I mean, I’ve basically been fasting for almost 24 hours since I didn’t eat anything after lunch yesterday. I totally deserve it."

Ohmigod, yea, you totally do. It just really sucks that Starbucks can’t get with the program and come up with a sugar-free offering. And, like, what’s with the lack of a nut-based milk alternative? Hello? Enough with the soy! I think I’m going to have to draft a letter to corporate—they’ve been super discriminatory against us health-conscious consumers lately.

So when the dropping of temperatures causes your extremities to feel as if they’re being ravaged by the pre-Campbell’s Soup snowman, head on over to your nearest artisanal coffee shop to pick up your $5 pumpkin-scented hand warmer. If you’re feeling uber restrictive, feel free to order a Venti Americano with a 13-millisecond pump of Pumpkin Spice to satisfy your innate chic girl urges with minimal caloric damage. Ohmigod, best of both worlds, am I right?


If you want the read about more insane dieting tactics, check out The Chic Diet, out now on Amazon!

Ohmigod, you guys

I hope all of you had uber transcendental moments during your 24-hour Thanksgiving Water Fasts. I know I did. But I’m not here to discuss Truffle Salt Enemas or Burdock Root Detox Formulations. No, I’ve got a much more pressing matter at hand.

Being the overachiever that I am, I’ve been working on some stuff that might just go down in history as being a few of the greatest literary works of all time. Unfortunately for humanity, my publisher is being a real betch stickler for efficient use of resources. Basically, they want me to, like, prove myself. Um, exerting myself and doing some actual hard work? Gawd, I, like, just got a manicure.

So, you guys, I’d, like, really appreciate it if all of you fashionable little bitches could review my book on Amazon and promote it to all of your chic brethren. The more [glowing] reviews that it garners, the brighter the green light will shine for my next parade of books, both fiction and non-fiction. Like, ohmigod, don’t you want to hear more? I promise I’ll buy you a green juice or a cold-pressed coffee afterwards. I mean, I’ll even throw in some unfiltered bilberry kombucha. I’m, like, that serious.

  • Posted 4 months ago
  • November 30th, 2013

4 Likes & Reblogs

Um, okay

Puh-lease stop bombarding me with requests for my identity and pictures, oh chic ones. I need to, like, stay totally anon lest I get stabbed with a Giuseppe Zanotti stiletto heel for being a grody little sell-out. I would be like the Jason Bourne of the fashion community. And I really can’t run that fast.

Anyway, have fun trying to guess! Um, BYE

Eating clean

#clean #cleaneats #eatingclean #eatclean #traindirty #organic #healthy #nourish #nutrition #fitspo #instahealth #instagood #ieatbetterthanyou #nofilter

Those of you chic girls in the technological know will immediately recognize the above #hashtags from our favorite outlet for TMI and general braggery, Instagram. In fact, there is a good chance that many of them show up on your update feed during mealtimes on the daily, accompanied by snaps of boring salads, uninspiring chicken dishes or run-of-the-mill vegetable platters. And, despite the fact that no one really cares about foodstagrams that aren’t pictures of the desserts at Eleven Madison Park, girls in yoga pants will never cease to profess their love for eating clean foods via the sharing of grainy photographs of sous vide eggs and grilled asparagus.

By announcing that you “only eat clean,” you can weasel your way out of being forced to try most modern day foods. Another excuse not to eat during obligatory birthday dinners? Yay. It also gives you multiple opportunities to preach to others as you disparagingly eye their highly processed meal choices, which is just titillating. I mean, everyone knows that chic girls love to judge and make others feel like shit. It just comes with the territory.

Plus, when all of your food is either raw, baked or steamed, there’s no way for extra calories to be introduced during the cooking process. And if your diet revolves around only “clean” foods, there honestly isn’t much room for variety. You’re basically stuck with lean meats, nuts, seeds, fruits and vegetables, all of which are relatively low in fat and calories. Of course, if you’re vegan or vegetarian, you get to step atop an even higher soapbox with an even cleaner body. I mean, you’re basically a bird. And have you ever seen a fat bird? I don’t think so.

So squawk all you want at that très hopeless friend who has the audacity to open up a bag of granola in your presence. “Do you even know how many additives are in that?” you will shriek as your eyes widen in horror. Then take a picture of the bowl of steamed broccoli positioned strategically atop your knees, allowing your parallel thigh gap to be showcased within the square field of the image. Make sure that your can of Diet Coke and pack of Parliaments are not visible. Apply the Valencia filter, add the aforementioned hashtags, upload for your adoring followers and await hundreds of Likes. Repeat with each meal until your Instagram account looks like an ad for one of the Greenmarkets. #Instaccountability, you know?

If you want the read about more insane dieting tactics, check out The Chic Diet, out now on Amazon!